Crying, Grief, and the Healing We Don’t Talk About

What especially resonates with me about grief

is the part about crying.

You know, those moments when tears just appear, and your first instinct - or maybe someone else’s - is to hand over a tissue. We do it because we care, right?

But sometimes what we’re really saying, without even meaning to, is:

“Don’t cry.”

“Please stop - this feels uncomfortable.”

Tears aren't weakness

And here’s the thing: crying is one of the most human, sacred, and physiologically wise things we can do. For many of us who

have lived through pregnancy loss, stillbirth,

or the death of a child, tears are not a weakness.

They’re an act of love, a moment of connection, a doorway into vulnerability.

I say this because I’ve lived it. As a bereaved mother, I spent years holding back my tears. In those early days, I would cry in private because the world just didn’t know what to do with my grief. There was this quiet pressure to stay composed… to be strong… to not make anyone uncomfortable. And I bought into it, for a long, long time.

If I’d been in a major accident, everyone would have understood the trauma instantly. There would have been casseroles, check-ins, support everywhere. But after losing my baby, the expectation seemed to be: hold it together, keep it quiet, move on. And I didn’t realise that crying wasn’t “losing control” - it was my body trying to help me heal.

'Ugly-Crying'

We even have a phrase now to pre-empt the act of shedding tears -“ugly crying.” And I get it, it can feel like one more thing to be self-conscious about:“I don’t want anyone to see me like that.”“I feel like I need to hold myself in so I don’t fall apart in front of others.”

But sometimes, there’s a little soft humour in it too.  Using the term “ugly crying” can give us a tiny bit of relief, a way to acknowledge that grief is messy without pretending it’s neat and tidied up into a little package.  And crying’s a double-edged sword, really. On one hand, it can make us feel embarrassed. On the other, it can help us survive the intensity of what we’re feeling.

And honestly? There’s nothing ugly about grief expressing itself.

Where the healing begins

There’s even a fascinating side to this that’s actually biological. Emotional tears aren’t just symbolic - they help your body heal. When you cry, your body releases oxytocin, endorphins, prolactin, and stress hormones. It activates the calming part of your nervous system. That’s why, after a really good cry, you might feel lighter, softer, a little clearer, or more connected to your baby. Your body knows exactly what it’s doing.

So, really, for many grieving parents, tears are where we feel closest to our baby - the space where love and longing meet. Tears are love. Tears are connection. Tears are important. And here’s the key: you are allowed - fully, freely, without apology - to cry.

If you’re reading this and it resonates, and you feel like you need a safe space to grieve, I’m here. You don’t have to go through it alone. Send me a message or reach out to book a session where your tears - quiet or “ugly” - are welcome, understood, and held with care.

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