When Christmas Feels Joyful Again - And Why That's OK

Why it’s ok to feel Joy at Christmas

For many people who live alongside the death of someone they love, there’s an unspoken rule that grief should hurt - especially at Christmas - like there’s an expectation that grief should be front and centre of your life, forever. 

But…over time…something quietly is taking place.

You notice yourself laughing. You enjoy the taste of food. You feel present and more connected to life. You may even realise that your loved one is not at the forefront of your thoughts in the way they once were.

And then comes the guilt.

If this is you, let’s be clear from the outset:

Joy at Christmas does not mean your grief has disappeared, failed, or diminished your love.  It means your relationship with grief and with your loved one, has changed and this is not only normal, but what it means to be human.

Grief Does Not Shrink - Life Grows Around It

One of my favourite ways to help think about grief is Louis Tonkin’s Growing Around Grief model as it offers a helpful way to understand this shift.

In the early days of loss, grief

can take up almost all the available ‘space’. Think of your grief as a very large ball in a glass jar - it doesn’t take much movement to touch the sides and trigger pain. Grief can feel overwhelming, intrusive, and ever-present - even though we might feel it’s all we’ve got left to connect us to our loved one.

Over time, however, life begins to grow around the grief.

The grief does not get smaller. The love does not fade. The loss is not erased.

Instead, your world expands.  Your grief ball stays the same size, but the jar gets bigger.

Alongside grief new experiences, relationships, responsibilities, and moments of meaning begin to take up the ‘space’. At Christmas, you might be enjoying new traditions, feeling more closely connected to the people in front of you, or simply being absorbed in the moment - you catch yourself not thinking about your loved one and ask yourself  “how long did I not think about them?”

But this is not forgetting. It’s integration.

How Grief and Living Move Together Over Time

Another of my favourite models of grief is the Dual Process Model, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, because it helps explain why joy can return - and why it doesn’t signal a loss of love or connection. It suggests that healthy grieving involves a natural oscillation between different ways of coping.

At times, especially when the loss is early, we use grief-oriented coping where focusing on the pain of the loss, the memories, the longing, and the emotional impact of what has been taken can feel right. At other times, we move toward restoration-oriented coping and engaging with day to day life, relationships, routines, pleasure, meaning, and the future feels more and more ok - especially during seasons like Christmas that naturally invite connection, celebration, and presence.

But this movement is not simply a swing between sorrow and joy. Many people also find that the pendulum begins to slow, even to rest. Here is often where a middle ground is found - a quieter place between grief and restoration - where neither dominates, and where small but meaningful moments of healing are often found. It might look like sitting at the Christmas table feeling content rather than overwhelmed. Your loved one may cross your mind briefly, without you breaking down or being wracked with guilt. You might feel emotionally steady, neutral, or simply okay.

This resting place is not avoidance, numbness, or denial. It is your system learning that it can hold grief without being consumed by it - that love and life can coexist without constant effort. Over time, this middle ground often becomes easier to access, allowing moments of peaceful ease to emerge naturally.

This does not mean you are ‘done’ grieving.  It means your nervous system and psyche are allowing more room for living. And this movement remains fluid. Some Christmases may bring joy. Others may reawaken deep sadness. At times you may rest quietly in between.

All of these experiences are part of a healthy, adaptive grief process.

When Remembering Changes - And Why That’s Not Betrayal

As we learn to integrate our grief, the way we remember often changes too. Perhaps you no longer feel the need to light a candle, say their name aloud, or consciously mark their absence every Christmas. Perhaps the way you remember feels quieter, more internal, or less structured.

This does not mean you love them less.

Grief rituals change because your relationship with your loved one has changed, not ended.

What was once raw and external becomes woven into who you are. The remembering moves from doing to being - and that’s ok. Love does not require constant pain to be valid.

Joy Is Not Disloyalty

One of the most painful myths about grief is the idea that happiness somehow dishonours the dead - that suffering is proof of love, and joy is evidence of abandonment.

But love is not measured by how long we ache.

Your capacity for joy exists because of the love you had - not in opposition to it. The laughter at your Christmas table does not erase the relationship that shaped you. The moments of lightness do not cancel the moments of longing that came before or may return again.

Joy is not forgetting. Joy is not moving on. Joy is not replacement.

Joy is living.

If This Christmas Feels Lighter Than You Expected

If you find yourself enjoying Christmas more than you thought you “should,” consider offering yourself compassion rather than judgement. This may be your grief elbowing out some room around itself - not leaving. And if part of you still whispers, “Shouldn’t I feel more pain?” remember this:

Grief does not demand constant visibility to remain real. Love does not disappear when it is not actively painful. Your inner bond continues, even when your attention is elsewhere.

You're allowed to celebrate. You're allowed to laugh. You're allowed to live fully again.

Not despite your loss - but alongside it.

If this season brings up questions, mixed emotions, or a quiet uncertainty about where you are in your grief, you don’t have to hold that alone. My counselling service resumes on January 5th. Appointments can be booked online via my website, or you’re welcome to reach out by email if you’d like to enquire or check availability. 

Contact Me

Darrell.

www.onthecouchcounselling.com.au